A year Ago Today

What a difference a year makes!

A year ago today, my father suddenly died. Two days prior to his death I found out I was pregnant. This was my fifth pregnancy, and I was scared, determined and expectant. Dad's death could have tipped me over the edge but it did the opposite. It got me really focused and prayerful and very spiritual. Surely, this pregnancy had to stick... I'd had fibroids removed, so my uterus was good to host a growing baby. I'd had recurrent miscarriage tests which revealed a high thromboelastogram and had started on aspirin as soon as I got that positive HPT as per my specialists' instructions. This pregnancy had to work.

See, my relationship with my father was not good. I loved the man... and still do, but didn't like him. He made choices that brought us apart as a family and I was left with a huge burden to bear as a result. I had been angry at him for years, and communication was one sided, mainly from him, not asking after my welfare but demanding more from me, financially which I just could not give - I was already being bread winner for family back in Kenya as well as paying college fees for 2 siblings in Kenya, plus being as supportive as possible to siblings in America too. I was stretched to the limit, and I felt it was unfair. I refused to reply to his messages and ignored his phone calls. He had a new family... how could I help support them when my very own needed me? I was covering his spot, being the 'man of the house' as it were... could he not see that?

Anyway, I was at work when a message came through from my sister in Kenya, as blunt as hell informing me of dad's death. I was shocked... started shaking, thought I could get myself together and carry on working, but my emotions were all jumbled up. I had happy memories from the past, sad memories of recent years flashing before me, I felt sad, angry and cheated as I'd always seen us reconciling our differences and starting over, leaving the past behind, living happily ever after, but alas, it was never to happen! He had to go and die! How dare he?!

I was of course also scared of the outcome of this pregnancy. Would it end like my previous ones in the first trimester, or would I give birth to a live baby? I burst out crying at my desk, colleagues rallied around me, offered to cover my job and sent me home, ordering me to not come back till next week. I was thankful. I took the rest of the week to sort my emotions out, and also to notify my GP and RMC specialists of my pregnancy.

My emotions were still in turmoil when I returned to work but my pregnancy helped me come to terms with what was happening. I didn't want stress and negative feelings jeopardising my baby's chances, so I resolved that anger and depression weren't going to help me move forward, so I gradually started working through my issues with my dad, communicating with him  like he was here, apologising, forgiving, letting go of all negative feelings yet being honest about my disappointments and grievances. It sounds crazy and far fetched but we worked out our differences. I even told my dad that he ought to learn from his mistakes in this world and behave himself in the next and he promised he would. I asked him to watch after his new grandchild, he promised he would. We worked out our differences and I was free to continue my pregnancy. Sure I had all the worries every pregnant woman has, but I had a good feeling it would end well. And it did.

So, here I am a year later, thankful and happy with a special little man to raise and at peace with my father. It's ironic, but it's been the best year of my life in terms of my relationship with him, and I have Laurence to thank for that. I shudder to think it, but I may well still  have had anger festering within me had I not been pregnant at the time of my dad's death.I'm not glad he's gone, but I'm so glad I've achieved peace and closure and let go of a heck of a lot of negative feelings I held onto while he lived. I believe he's a nicer person in the after life and feel he's making amends of his failings in this life by watching over us. I also understand that to many reading this, I sound like I've lost it, but hey, I know how I feel, and I know it's no fantasy.

I'm thankful for what I'm blessed with, and thankful to have found a way to move on, making peace with the tainted past and looking to a bright future as a mama. It is well, whatever life throws at me. I pray that I will never again have such strong negative feelings towards fellow man. I'm glad I found a way and will always work towards freeing myself and not holding on so I'm not laden. Stay blessed and blissful. Free yourself of negative feelings, it's too liberating not to. And you save yourself an ulcer or ten too.

Till next time.