The Road to Mummyhood - I've Arrived

THE BEGINNING

Some of my readers will be aware of my struggles in the journey to mummyhood. For those of you that don't, here's a short (ish) version:

In 2005, we started trying to conceive (TTC) after my sister and my best pal both had babies in the first two months of that year.Between 2005 and 2008, we suffered four early miscarriages, I had a myomectomy, we had fertility and recurrent miscarriage(RMC) tests. Last miscarriage, suffered in 2008 after the myomectomy prompted the RMC tests which revealed I had a raised thromboelastogram (TEG) and was advised to take aspirin as soon as I discovered I was pregnant again.

Anyone who has ever TTC will understand that two months of negative HPTs seem like a lifetime, and that it's easy to have nothing else on one's mind but TTC. Days are counted, signs and symptoms are analysed for ovulation and possible pregnancy, temperatures get taken and plotted on a graph, tears are shed... One can become obsessed  very passionate about it all and many wrongly conclude they are infertile after a few months of trying. So you can imagine my worries when we tried for months then years.

Of course, the fact we were able to conceive reassured me somehow, but what was the point if it all ended up in a heartbreaking miscarriage? I knew I'd have a baby some day - by birth or by adoption, or quite possibly by both methods. But, I really wanted one there and then.

FIVE YEARS INTO TTC.....



January 2010 and we'd been at our quest for nearly 5 years. I'd had enough and had convinced myself we needed help. So, after spotting an advert on the tube by the Harley Group into egg donation/low-cost IVF, I made an arrangement for Al and I to attend an 'Inseminar' evening. I also told Al that if we weren't pregnant by Summer, I'd start making arrangements into adoption. I also bought a box of 30 Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPKs) so we'd have a good go at TTC before 'giving up'. I also went on a health kick, upping on fresh, organic raw foods, exercising, thinking positively and reducing stress. I was going to be a mother in the next 2 years.

February came and my cycle was due on the second. There was nothing, and no signs either. Could I be? Dare I even think it? I had one expired HPT left over from a pack of cheapies. I peed on it the next morning and there was a second line. It was faint, but it was a second line. I prayed. I shook. Could this be a false positive? Was this test reliable? Al would not believe it was a positive. Nevertheless, I was excited. I'd bought a pack of aspirin on our way home from the last consultation after the RMC tests with the raised TEG result in April 2009. I fished them out and took 150mg as instructed. I hoped this was it and went to work.

On the way home from work that evening I bought a pack of 2 digital tests. Used one that evening without reading instructions but messed it up, so no result. I cried. These tests were too expensive and this did not bode well. I'd be devastated if it gave the result as 'Not Pregnant'. I resisted testing again  went to bed aiming to test again in the morning with the first urine. Morning came. I tested and got a positive result which I blogged about. I was ecstatic yet very anxious. This could be it.

The pregnancy went well. It was as text book as they came, so much so that I decided I'd want a natural hypnobirth, rather than the C-section I was being prescribed due to my past open myomectomy (myomectomy diaries). I'd done my homework and knew it was possible.I concentrated more on fear release and affirmations and listened to my hypnotherapy recordings daily from week 14. I had to believe and be positive that all was going to be well, and these recordings and the affirmations within them kept me going.


MY BIRTH PREFERENCES, AKA, THE BIRTH PLAN


I say 'my' rather than 'our' because I had to work on Al on these. See, I'd done my research and I absolutely and totally believed and knew I could have a natural, unmedicated birth. Two books I read that resonated with me are Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering and  Hypnobirthing: The Mongan Method: A Natural Approach to a Safe, Easier, More Comfortable Birthing with CD (Audio) (B) and they both prescribe to leaving well alone and going with what Mother Nature  had in store for us when she had us designed for birthing. I therefore wanted a gentle, quiet, intimate and unobserved birth with just my midwife and Al in a quiet darkened room. Not because I'm shy, but because everything I read pointed me in that direction. Heck, I even entertained the thought of having an unassisted birth like this one but that would have been pushing it too far with my surgical history and being a first timer. Seriously though, conception is intimate and unobserved. Birth should be the same. Naturally, that is what I wanted.

So, with Al finally convinced, having made him read a few chapters of both books and quoted some statistics, I set about writing my birth preferences, though in essence, if I was to go into labour before completing it, what I wished for was a birth as mentioned above but with my healthcare providers checking with Al and I for consent before doing anything, routine or otherwise, to me, the baby or the placenta, which I was taking away and having encapsulated. I did manage to write it eventually though:

BIRTH PREFERENCES 

• Environment
: Low lighting, low voices.

• Labour companions
: Quiet, peaceful and unobserved labouring and birthing with just husband and midwife.

• Monitoring of baby’s heartbeat
: Once baseline obtained, only if indicated, and kept at a minimum

• Ways of coping with pain
: Hypnobirthing techniques – relaxation, breathing techniques, different positions, and water. Please do not offer/suggest gas & air and drugs – will request for these if need be.

• Options for labour and birth
 Birthing ball, beanbag, cushions and pool. Would like to be hands on, catching baby if possible if in water, or baby delivered onto my stomach ASAP. Want to confirm sex ourselves. Will cut cord once it stops pulsating and if all is well, after placenta is birthed – no chunky plastic cord clamp please. Syntocinon delayed for as long as is allowed please if placenta isn’t birthed immediately – unless there’s an emergency.

• After the birth:
Baby handed to me straight away for skin to skin – will clean baby ourselves when ready. Want to breastfeed soon after birth. Would like to spend time alone with baby in delivery room. No vitamin K injection please – will consider oral.

• Slow progress in labour
: Please allow as much time as possible. Would like as natural a progression as possible – no sweeps, no breaking of waters. No syntocinon due to previous myomectomy (cavity not breached).

• Induction
: N/A in this case.

• Assisted delivery
 Only if heavily indicated. 

• Caesarean Section
 Last resort if ventouse/forceps/episiotomy unsuccessful. Would like husband present in theatre and recovery. Local anaesthetics only please, and baby handed over for skin to skin as soon as possible. Would like to watch baby being born – no screen if possible. Again, please wait till cord stops pulsating before cutting.

• Breech baby
Would opt to try vaginal before considering surgery.

Please obtain consent prior to doing or administering anything to mum and/or baby, however routine.

Thank you for looking after us at this very special time to us. 

So this was my ideal plan. This is how it panned out, however:



THE BIRTH STORY (copy and pasted from a forum I visit where I posted on 14/10/10)

My life feels so perfect right now, so complete.Laurence A S Y H, born on 12/10/10 at 1552, 8.35 lbs.
Woke up to trickling at 4am, went to toilet, cleaned up, wore a pad. 0403, had my first surge - period-like pain, so just lay in bed counting them - had 9 within the hour. Gradually, the surges increased in intensity, though frequency remained at 2-3 minutes, and they only lasted 30-45 seconds. That contraction master application is fab!Had a MW appointment at 12 at my Birthing Centre, so took a taxi there - surges increased in intensity en route, but I was breathing through and between them, listening to my calm music. Got to BC at 1115 (impatient isn't the word, I was desperate to have someone confirm I was indeed in labour!), got examined, was only 1-2cm, and more of the plug came out too. No worries, I welcomed each surge as it brought me closer to meeting my baby. I was so calm, no fear whatsoever, and was ready to meet each surge with just my breaths and positive visualisations as I'd practised for so long.Got told this was the beginning but to go home, monitor discharge and come back if waters broke or if the surges got to a minute long - which at this point I thought they were, but was still breathing through and between them. Then I reached out for my underwear and trousers and splash went my waters! It was exactly 12pm, thank God I was early, as otherwise waters would have broken in public. Waters had meconium in them even though Laurence had been absolutely fine just a moment ago, and still seemed fine when heartbeat was listened to.That was that, lovely BC midwife, Rosanna, consulted with her colleagues, and they decided I was to be transferred to labour ward (policy), as the waters didn't just have meconium but also blood clots and other bits in it that midwives worry about. I'm so glad she stayed as my named MW even on labour ward - she was absolutely fabulous and kept me focused on my breathing. I called Al (hubby) at work, as I left for labour ward - bags were still at home!Got there and medical intervention was so strongly recommended, thank God Rosanna was looking after me and not the brash overworked labour ward midwives! Doctors came in, I got strapped to monitors, got manhandled as the labour ward midwife in charge put a probe to his scalp for monitoring (he was still quite high up at this point, and I was only 3cms). Was offered entonox, of which I took 5-6 'bad/weak' puffs as it made me really nauseous and dizzy, but did nothing for the pain, so I abandoned that.Then they started selling me the good old epidural - had the labour ward MW mention it first, then a registrar, followed by an anaesthetist who seemed all ready to go, followed by a consultant, but I stuck to my guns and refused the epidural, in spite of the fact they all mentioned I may well have to have a C-section, given my history with the myomectomy, and that if it came to that then they won't have time for an epidural, they'd have to give me a general anaesthetic. I still stuck to my guns - and Rosanna, whilst not saying a thing seemed to back me up, somehow.Then Al arrived and started reading me the affirmations and reminding me to breathe and visualise myself holding our baby. Him and Rosanna kept me focused, and I'm so thankful. Got examined again, roughly, might I add by the docs around 1 pm - was 5 cms, and was progressing well and fast. I kept thinking though how my quiet, gentle, calm birth was slipping away from me. And the lights? They were all on and super brightly too! So much for intimacy!Rosanna had to have lunch, and she so kindly arranged for one of her BC colleagues to cover for her whilst she was gone, and Rachel was just as fabulous. I felt well advocated for, albeit silently. I was strapped to monitors and had a drip on, I was on my back a lot and it hurt like hell. I was desperate to get up and walk about or be on all fours - anything but lying on my back, so I asked Rachel if I could stand up. she said I could, so she and Al helped me up between surges - jeez, my legs almost gave way - surges were so frequent and strong now, and seemed to last forever, I quickly got back into bed but on my knees. Then the probe fell off his head, and had to be resited, even though he was fine. Must mention that the application and re-application of this probe was the most painful part of my labour and birthing experience. All else I could deal with, but this probe.... Plus whenever it fell off there was a worry the baby was in some trouble of some kind, sigh...Anyway, the labour ward MW had 2 rough determined and painful goes to re-apply another probe unsuccessfully. Then the registrar had a VERY rough go and managed to site it but surges were very strong at this point and Laurence was moving down the birth canal, so this one promptly fell off too. They had one last determined go and this one stayed - I was not to get off my back under any circumstances. No idea what time it was, but I was 8-9 cms dilated at this point - all was going well, I was still breathing and they kept offering entonox but I kept turning it down as it made me feel really horrid!Rosanna was still at lunch, so all these happened within the hour - no idea what hour though! I transitioned shortly afterwards, retching uncontrollably and vomited just water and bile as only managed yoghurt and a banana for breakfast. Weirdly, I do remember being super hungry and desperate for food through out labour, though not really being bothered to ask for food as I just could not imagine eating. Anyway, at this point, I knew we were very close as I had this urge to push with contractions. Not really an urge, as one can stop those... kinda. My body just wanted to expel and I could not control it. I remember Rosanna having come back though Rachel stayed as well... apparently I was doing so well, and they wanted to be there to see the end. And then the probe fell off again, sigh.Suddenly, doctors, labour ward midwives and a whole load of other people were surrounding me! They still wanted another probe on poor baby's descending head and were telling me to push with the next contraction so they could get it on. Heck, they even removed the bottom of the bed and had me on stirrups which wasn't necessary, but they were really focused on monitoring L for some reason, even though he was just fine and wasn't distressed in any way. Al, thankfully kept me focused and was literally preaching my affirmations and reminding me to keep breathing.As I was hypnobirthing, push meant breathing out as I bore down, and that's what I tried to do. Labour ward midwives and doctors however, saw through me and told me to hold my breath and push with the next contraction. Did it once - then refused to do it again as it somehow hurt more. The LW midwife was at this point really shouting at me to hold my breath and push hard but I kept breathing as I knew it worked. Suddenly someone announced the baby was crowning. With the next surge his head was born, and with the next his body. Phew! He was well and perfect and was placed on me immediately - I was smitten by the love bug. He was so tiny and every bit of me wanted to protect him and keep him safe.Sadly, they clamped and cut his cord immediately, but he was okay. Had a bit of gooey skin to skin before he was handed over to the paediatrician waiting by the resuscitaire for examining - all was well, he was perfect! Alert, well perfused, breathing wonderfully, so was given back to me. I wanted a natural third stage, as I was having the placenta encapsulated for the post-partum period, so declined the syntocinon. Rachel agreed and I was to be observed for haemorrhaging as we waited and waited, and waited some more. 30 minutes later, still no placenta and the docs were getting anxious although Rosanna and Rachel were very gentle, encouraging me to get up, push with the surges that were still coming gently. It just would not detach! They even went and got me a birthing stool, but 45 minutes later, still no luck, so I let them give the injection and then there it was.
I only lost 350 mls of blood. All was well and I swear by hypnobirthing. I had a graze to the perineum though the vaginal wall had a few tears from all the prodding and handling, so had internal stitches to those.After all that, here we are at home, he's 48 hours old, absolutely gorgeous, is breast feeding really well, pooping LOADS, and getting used to life outside the womb.All is well that ends well!I took my placenta home, doula made me 2 servings of smoothie out of some of it and it's all encapsulated and ready for me to take. Hope it helps me hold on to my hair, I hear post-partum hair loss can be shocking! I also hope it helps against baby blues, PND and helps with milk production. We shall see.I thank God every moment I remember. And I thank Laurence for choosing me. I will follow his lead and be the best I can for him. I'm a mama!!!!!

**UPDATE 4 MONTHS LATER

• Laurence has been exclusively breast fed and we both love it. Plenty of milk available too! He hit 4 months however and let me know he wants more, so is being given bits to gnaw on and juice/smoothie in the style of baby led weaning.
• My hair has shed loads but it's manageable. The edges more than elsewhere.
• I enjoy motherhood so much and can honestly say I've only cried a maximum of 4 times - a random cry when Al was holding him and he wiggled so much, he nearly fell, another because I missed him when he went to visit grandparents with Al - they were only gone for 30 minutes! Another because I had a lump in my breast that I'd convinced myself was going to kill me, leaving him motherless and another while I cuddled him whilst bouncing on a ball trying to get him calm when he was being fussy at 2am. All in the first 3 weeks of his life. 

I have every reason to be thankful. I feel so very blessed!