The Ten Commandments of Mother Earth

1. Thou shall love and honour the Earth for it blesses thy life and governs thy survival.
2. Thou shall keep each day sacred to the Earth and celebrate the turning of it's seasons.
3. Thou shall not hold thyself above other living things nor drive them to extinction.
4. Thou shall give thanks for thy food, to the creatures and plants that nourish thee.
5. Thou shall educate thy offspring, for multitudes of people are a blessing unto the Earth when we live in harmony.
6. Thou shall not kill, nor waste Earth's riches upon weapons of war.
7. Thou shall not pursue profit at the Earth's expense, but strive to restore its damaged majesty.
8. Thou shall not hide from thyself or others the consequences of thy actions upon the Earth.
9. Thou shall not steal from future generations by impoverishing or poisoning the Earth.
10. Thou shall consume material goods in moderation so all may share the Earth's bounty.

Anonymous.

Week 7!

7w 4d today! 


Been okay this week! All is well, thank God, had a scan on Wednesday at 7+1 and Poppy Heart was absolutely fine, perfect heart beating away at 141 beats per minute, and measured perfectly at 10.8mm. I'm just so happy, taking one day at a time and forever thankful things are going to plan at the moment, and I pray they keep going to plan indefinitely.

Been thinking about my gardening a lot as the weather get's better. I worry about toxoplasmosis constantly, especially with Princess Octavia, our Persian cat around, but thankfully Al has banned me from handling the kitty litter. If he's out and she goes, I get all gowned up - hankies for masks, gloves etc and deal with it as soon as possible. Praying all is well. Still, I believe growing up in Kenya and gardening must have exposed me to the protozoa before, so I should be immune. Still, I won't take chances, so I'll ask for a test when I see the midwife next week - apparently there's a blood test that can detects where one is with regard to toxoplasmosis and there's some kind of treatment if need be. Really don't want to take things for granted!

All in all though, things are good, I'm thankful and happy and every single day with Poppy Heart is special beyond words, so I'm enjoying every moment!

Note to Poppy (name likely to change at short notice!):

Everyday with you is special baby! Keep doing what you are doing, grow stronger and bigger for mummy, and keep that heart beating, you clever little miracle! Can't wait to see you again in a week and a half, but till then, I'll keep talking to you and constantly thinking about you and what clever little milestones you are achieving. Lots and lots of love from mama. x x x x x x x

I admit it, one track minded!! I need more work!

Retrospective entry  - Friday 19th February 2010 2pm-ish at work.

Breasts are now getting agonisingly sore, but I’m utterly loving it! Continuous mild nausea too whose presence I’m absolutely enjoying! Heartburn starting to make it's presence felt too - lovely! Lower abdomen happenings - learning to accept these rationally now, though they still freak me out most of the time, sending me running to God in private prayer so I'm sane at all other times around people. Not enjoying the feelings. Enjoying the fact they are there. Why would one love and enjoy the presence of pain and discomfort? After all, I’m no masochist? Well, it reassures me Poppy Heart is thriving, so I can concentrate on enjoying the miracle developing within rather than be sick with worry wondering if all is well. Now, I know the afore mentioned symptoms are no guarantee all is as it should be, but they reassure me of Poppy’s presence, especially when they are getting more and more pronounced – means Poppy Heart is growing along with her placenta and is making healthy doses of pregnancy hormones. This is what I love! Puts a healthy bounce in my step! (.... well, apart from when my hurried, bouncy steps are towards the toilet, chanting in prayer that all is well when I knicker check. It's madness, but we all have our mad moments, right??).

Little note to Poppy Heart, formerly known as Bean:

Keep it going baby! You’re doing so well and I’m so happy to roll off the bed in the morning and having to take it easy because you’re sending me signals that tell me you are okay. Keep that heart beating strong and keep growing sweetie! I don’t know about you, but I really want the time to fly so I can get to meet you in September/October. Lots and lots of mama love. x x x x x x

Great news! Heartbeat!

Okay, so I attended the antenatal RMC clinic yesterday as planned. Wasn't expecting a scan then, so when I was told to report to the ultrasound scan reception, have my scan and come back to see the doctor, I was like, 'okay... I guess another scan won't hurt', plus at 6w 1d, I've heard people report to having seen a heartbeat. So, I waited for what seemed like forever and finally it was my turn. Immediately, bean was located and seconds later there was a little poppy sized heart pulsating away! I was shown this on a very grainy screen but it was unmistakeable. Blink, blink, blink... I was so, so happy at that point, I wanted the moment to last forever! Anyway, after all was done, I went off, joined the queue again for one of the only 2 doctors in clinic.

Must say the doctor's visit was a bit of a disappointment after my scan high. Nothing new was  discussed. The only good thing was the reassurance that I was on the right dose of aspirin and should continue on that as it's absolutely the right treatment for me. I had a blood test but it was nothing useful to me - just a sample for a research study on the link between recurrent miscarriage and thrombosis and the association with antiphospholipid studies. No hormone profile, no coagulation screen. We've agreed to this study anyway, so next time I'll take Al along and get him to give some of his blood too. Baby will be giving a bit of their cord as well when they get here in 30 weeks or so - I refuse to think that there will be tissue available from another miscarriage as I really, really am praying this does not happen again. Hopefully participation in this study helps with the development of RMC treatment in future.

Right, so, what now? Scan next week or not? I'm thinking of cancelling next week's UCH scan as I get another at St. Mary's the week after as I'm booked in for an extensive specialist midwife appointment and the blood tests useful to me. I really feel a reassurance scan next week can be missed.... I don't need weekly scans.... or do I? I've had one every week since week 4 and it's been going really well, I think another 2 weeks will give me more to see. Oh, I don't know, I guess I'll see how it goes... I would love to see my poppy's heartbeat again!

Symptoms this week: Boobs are killing me and I love it! Some mild waves of nausea - loving it! Lower abdomen and lower back happenings - me no like :-(. Too similar to period pain for my liking - I go into prayer mode when I get these as they scare me to death, and make me not want to go to the toilet for fear of the red stuff. This in turn makes it worse as a full bladder tends to be painful. Having said that, each week gets easier and this week is better than last, so I'll keep positive and enjoy this thoroughly.

Note to Poppy, formerly referred to as Bean:
You are doing so well baby, measured absolutely perfect for dates and honey, your little heart beating away yesterday was the most amazing thing I've seen in a while! Keep doing what you're doing, grow even stronger and bigger for me. I can't wait till I can see you again - could be next week, could be week after, but either way, having you growing within me is such a special feeling and I cherish every single moment. Lots of love and kisses, Mama x x x x x.

Ups and Downs

What a week! Been up and down - elated one minute, overly worried the next to the point of tears! I've barely had any symptoms, apart from mildly tender breasts and the lower abdomen happenings (which worry me at the best of times anyway). This is the furthest I've come with a pregnancy, and still taking it one day at a time, but the worry times are so intense they leave me so exhausted mentally! 

I have to remind myself that I've had RMC tests which found the possible reasons I miscarried my last pregnancies and that I'm on aspirin to help me along this time, but the worry kicks in and all reasoning goes out the window. I also reassure myself of the fact that most pregnant ladies probably feel this way too (is this true?).

Still, I intend to enjoy this experience for as long as it lasts... I know the worries are a part of it all, but when those mad periods lift up, I do enjoy myself. It's all too special not to!

So glad I have a wonderful husband that understands the next 8 months will be tough on him too, poor man!

Great news though - had two loo trips overnight and woke up lying on breasts that were very tender. Loving this! More tender breasts please, less lower back pain (too much like period pain, me no like!). And not sure but I may have a little bit of nausea? That tiny little bit, not sure I've not made it up? Still eating like a trooper though. Also, I found myself retching while preparing the cat's food (boiled gizzards). Jeez, how do people eat those things?

I also had my referral letter come through yesterday for the RMC antenatal clinic run by Prof Regan's team. Only problem is, they've printed a later date (March 2nd), though I got given Feb 17th verbally. Will have to call them to confirm dates. Whatever happens, I feel fabulous most times, and I'm keeping the positive mental attitude that this is for the long haul. Too bad I can't see the future, though I can dream of the best, huh?

Anyway, very thankful, I'm on new territory, now counting down to the next scan date on Feb 24th where I'll see Bean's heartbeat. I really cannot wait!

Note to Bean:

Keep doing what you're doing baby! Get those hormones circulating; mummy doesn't mind even more tender breasts! I know I worry sometimes honey, but I believe in you. I just want you to be well at all times, and know you will be. Human nature just makes us so prone to emotions... I'm mostly over the moon with your existence though, so well done for bringing me this far. I look forward to seeing your little body again and seeing your tiny heart beat. Love you so very much! Stay cosy, keep growing! Mama x x x

Week 5

5w 2d today

Still nerve wracked, yet very positive. This week I feel more relaxed than I did last week. See, week 5 is when things have previously started going wrong for me and I’m still praying every time – or as I prefer to call it, chanting positively. Thanking God for every uneventful toilet visit. Asking bean to burrow in deep and settle him/herself for the next 35 weeks. I’m also still 90% without symptoms.  Symptoms are a major obsession for me right now! Boobs are just a little tender – I wish they’d be more so!!!

Other symptoms I think I may have include the occasional CM – again, happens everytime, so not sure if really a symptom. Lower abdomen happenings are aplenty, but I’m thinking of them being positive signs of things happening as they should be. Thank the Lord none of these feels like period pain – that would just drive me absolutely mad with worry. Nausea – zilch! Growing boobs – zilch! Heightened sense of smell – zilch! Going off certain foods and craving others – zilch!

I know, I know, it’s only been a week and 2 days since I found out…. Well, I can’t wait for it all to kick in and reassure me bean is well cosied in there and intending to stay with me till September/October!

Taking my aspirin, pregnacare, vitamin C, zinc and extra folic acid religiously, and hoping and praying that these are helping.

I’m having occasional nose bleeds… or rather nose spotting (blow nose and a little bloody mucous present) – I think this is a side effect of the aspirin – will bring up with RMC specialist at my clinic appointment next week.

Oh, happy news…. had a scan yesterday and all is as it should be at 5 weeks. Been booked in for another scan in 2 weeks, and I cannot wait! This really made my day and has helped me relax that little bit more.

Actually, talking of scans – if I’m offered one next week at my clinic appointment and all is well, I may well cancel the one in 2 weeks time. Or I might keep it…. I do like the idea of being able to have a scan at the hospital I work in as it’s so convenient and easy and only takes 15 minutes and I’m back at work… will discuss this at clinic, work out something, as I’m sure 2 weekly scans are more than sufficient for me, rather than weekly.  Might have one at clinic at Mary’s and the one scheduled for 2 weeks at UCH then just continue with UCH? I know, I’m rambling now…. Will work something out, I’m sure… I’m so lucky to have these scanning opportunities and aware of the fact others need scans too, so won’t be greedy. Plus, what’s the point of having more scans than is necessary?

Note to Bean:

Well done my little miracle, you’re the size of an apple seed! Keep growing for mummy; I really, really, really want to see your little heart beat next week or the week after! We love you so much already and are looking forward to all the little milestones you’ll be achieving till we meet you. Stick hard sweetie, and please know you are so very much wanted and have me and daddy so happy with anticipation right now! Lots and lots of love, Mama x x x x x x

....

So, it seems mornings are fast becoming my least liked time of the day. 2 hours before having to get out of bed to about an hour after waking up. The morning bowel and bladder happenings make me so fearful there's more happening on my lower abdomen but I refuse to dwell on miscarriage fears. I refuse.

I also think period-like pains are normal in early pregnancy anyway, going by what's been reported by the majority of pregnant women. In fact, most report period-like cramps through out pregnancy. Now, this does reassure me to an extent, but ultimately, I say my prayers and leave it to fate. Whatever will be will be, I guess...

Hubby said a little prayer in bed last night, asking The Lord to protect and guide us in the next 9 months. It was cute. It was poignant. It was lovely. And I believe in having a positive outcome for us - it's been a long time coming. Good things happen to many all around the world all the time, our turn is here. We're not overtly religious but we believe in a higher being. We believe in having an honest relationship with Him/Her. I've been known to say in the past that God to me is Mother Nature. He/She manifests in different ways to me - I could be gardening and in tune with nature, I could be sitting in a chapel, I could be lying in bed, I could be appreciating a natural, refreshing, energy giving, living juice, I could be out walking and appreciating the gentle heat of the sun on my face, the caress of the wind - that Higher Being whose presence overpowers me wherever I am, doing whatever I'm doing at the time I'm at - He/She is my God/Goddess. This higher being knows me to my core. Knows the desires of my heart, knows what I don't know about myself. I leave all to Him/Her. I'll always be positive in my spirituality whatever happens, as I know there's an ultimate plan for my life that I may or may not know of at this point. That is not to say I'll just leave it be... I must be the catalyst to my blessing. Till the land, get a harvest sort of thing. Hence I'll do all I can for this blessed pregnancy. What I can't do; what I have no power over, I leave to the higher being. Anxieties will still be here, especially with my history, but I'll keep it in check and pray for the best.

Note to bean:

Love and kisses baby! Stick sweetie, everyday with you is a blessing not to be taken for granted. Keep growing. Manifest your presence, I'm so ready for pregnancy symptoms! Reassure me, let me know you are there and still going strong. Love, love, love! x x x

In the beginning

I'm 4w 3d pregnant (4+3)

Feeling positive. Yet still very anxious MOST times!

Found out I'm pregnant 3 days ago. Was shocked but very pleasantly shocked. I mean, we've been trying on and off for 5 years, and this cycle felt easy. Everything fell in place so well as planned and now I'm pregnant! I almost wished I'd OPKed sooner but didn't as this is the right time, especially as earlier would have been tricky, what with my new job.

So, I've had 3 pregnancy tests - one which failed as I didn't follow instructions. The very first done a 4 weeks, on the morning of AF was a cheapie one which showed a faint test line. Hubby (Al from now on) wasn't much convinced it was a positive an wanted confirmation, so I bought a packet of 2 digital tests of which one failed and the other said this:

Poor quality image but I hope it's kinda visible to see.

I've moved fast in setting plans in motion to help me sustain this pregnancy.

- Seen GP
- Visited walk in EPU at work, had a scan (reassuring though not much was seen). Set date for another scan next week
- Visited St Mary's and set a date for initial follow-up after having RMC (Recurrent Miscarriage) tests. This consultation will set in motion plans for the future management of this pregnancy.
- Pending: set up for alternative/complimentary therapies so I can explore natural delivery as an option as opposed to a C-Section as planned due to previous open myomectomy. CAM will also help alleviate anxiety - reflexology, massage, acupuncture etc are good any day!

So, that's it for now... although might I add that I'm itching to tell the world I'm pregnant! One close friend already knows, and perhaps a few others who can decipher 'Aunt Flo' from a FB message. In all honesty, I don't care who knows, I feel positive things will work out, though this doesn't stop me worrying every now and always! I just want to get past 12 weeks, but hey, that's coming, so patience woman!!!

Note to bean:

You are so very wanted and loved! Daddy's got a big fat grin on his face just thinking about you! And those kisses you hear every now and again are his baby, as mummy can't reach you yet. So burrow in deep, get comfy and lets get to know each other for the next 36 weeks as you grow big and strong, ready to meet the world! love and kisses, Mama x x x

Might as well...

I'm being positive. It's the only way to be. Following on from It's faint but it's there post on Tuesday 2/2/10, I feel so blessed to report that so far all is well. I know tradition dictates that at this stage things are kept quiet, 'just in case', but you know what? I've been here before. I've kept it quiet before. And when it has all gone wrong, I've wanted to talk about it so I'm able to heal and move on. It's easier talking about things when the listener has been kept in the loop. I cannot expect my best friend to support me after a miscarriage when I choose to keep the joy of my pregnancy away from her. Share the good, share the bad. So, even though I'm not telling all in real life that I'm pregnant, I don't mind sharing it online. A few friends already know and are helping me in prayer for the best. I've told my siblings, whom I suspect have told mum - more prayers, which is fabulous as far as I'm concerned. And of course, if you're here reading my blog, you most certainly know. I don't know how people stay sane keeping such news to themselves. I just cannot! I feel like I'm bursting and just want to tell the world!

Anyway, I'm pregnant. I can't keep it to myself and I'm gradually filtering the news to my nearest and dearest. Still early days, I know, and anything could happen but whatever happens will be dealt with appropriately. I'm at a point in my life where I refuse to choose guilt and regret. I refuse to be a victim of anyone and anything. I choose positivity and if unfortunate things happen, I survive them. I don't fall victim to them. And that includes loss of any kind.

I've been keeping a journal. I'll bring it along here. After all, if I'm sharing online, I might as well share it here on my journal. That's what it's here for. Watch this space. Wish me luck for a positive outcome. After 4 previous losses, I don't see why things shouldn't go well for us this time. So, on that note, here's my story so far.....

Sad day today

My dad got put back into earth today. He died Thursday 4/2/10 after a short illness. 


I'm never going to see that man in the flesh ever again. We'll never make up our differences. We'll never have that talk I hoped for for years and years. But time will heal. Goodbye Daddy, sleep tight and please be good in the afterlife! I believe in the afterlife. Make amends there. Please be good! I did love some of you dearly; still do. I'm letting go of the shortcomings I didn't care for. I forgive us both. Please be good now, I'll see you when I get to the other side - but not soon. Feel free to visit every now and again. you're welcome here any time. I'll keep chatting to you as I feel your presence. There's so much I need to share about you to help with the healing process. I will do this as time goes by. For now, I wish you a peaceful sleep. Say hello to Granddads Portas and Samson. Look after your little grandbabies that grew wings before they got here. Lots of love. Your first born, Jacquie Nyawera. 

It's faint, but it's there

So, I'm due my monthly visitor today (period). It's too early to tell, but I hope and pray she stays away. See, we used ovulation testing kits this month, so timing was so right for doing what you gotta do to get pregnant, and boy did we go at it **blushes**. Anyway, I had a single early pregnancy testing kit and tested my first morning urine... I got a second line. So, I had some of last night's left over salad and took 150mg of aspirin - as advised last year when we had all those recurrent miscarriage tests. And so I wait one hour at a time, praying and hoping that this is a real pregnancy and that it sticks for the duration. Please God, we've wanted this for so long, make it happen for us, please! See, this month marks 5 years since we started trying for a baby. 5 years! I pray the next 36 weeks bless us with a healthy baby. Please send up a prayer on our behalf.

Blessings!