Three Years Ago Today

Three years ago today, It was a Thursday. I was getting my head around the fact I was pregnant again, my fifth pregnancy. We'd found out two days previously, and with my recurrent miscarriage history, to say I was scared is an understatement, although this time I was armed with baby doses of aspirin, 75mg which I started taking as soon as I got that positive test - there was some hope to hold on to.

Three years ago today, my lovely husband and I were supposed to attend our first consultation with a fertility expert in Harley street with a view to me donating my eggs and in exchange, receiving a massively discounted rate on IVF, but alas! It was never meant to be! One of the first calls I made on this day three years ago was to cancel the appointment.

Three years ago today I was going through life as I did every day. The commute to work, arrival at work, mental lists of what needed doing... you know, the things we do on automatic pilot. As I settled myself at my desk with a bowl of porridge, checking emails, compiling a paper to do list for the day, my mind kept wandering to the embryo whose cells were fast dividing and growing within me.I could not concentrate, I needed to see my medical team ASAP and form a plan for the next 8 months.

I picked up my phone, found myself on facebook. And there was a message from my sister in Kenya, as stark as day and night. A message that stopped the world around me and had me shaking and stifled in disbelief, 'Jac, dad is dead!!!!!'. I could not believe it. I called her right away. She confirmed. I hung up and cried hard at my desk, colleagues rallying around me. In no time, work was covered and I was on my way home in a taxi. The initial grief passed. My analytical brain took over. I asked the taxi driver to drop me at St. Mary's Hospital instead. I was going to get seen. and I was. I even had a scan which although could not confirm viability, confirmed changes in line with pregnancy.

On the train home, I thought of  dad. I was angry at him. See, we were estranged, had been for years. And in my mind, we were always going to make up and be a united happy family again, and he had now made that impossible.

I got home. Al, working from home was expecting me. He said something that brought me instant peace. Standing there next to our positive digital pregnancy test, he said, very certain that this pregnancy WILL be successful. It had to, because you see, dad had made room for our baby. All will be well. Things had now moved from the physical to the spiritual. I felt at peace even as I cried some more. I got comfortable and went to bed with my thoughts, and this is where I started building bridges with daddy.

I had conversations with him about the past, the present and the future. We did forgiveness and made promises into the future. It was incredible, his presence was so audible. And I KNEW all would be well. I started meditating that day. I felt at peace. We were already mending our broken relationship. He was a newborn in the world of the departed but he'd watch over us all in this world. He had failed us in this life but he was starting anew and  he'd be better in the next, and he'd welcome us happily when we got there and were all together again. I was comforted in this. I know it sounds far fetched and crazy, but it's how my beloved dad and I became friends again. And I don't care what anyone else thinks. I know I have peace as a result.

Fast forward 3 years later and here I am in bed with my man and my little boy, 27 months old at my bosom. I still pinch myself - this is me, a mum, a MUMMY [!!!] to a real, healthy, energetic, handsome 'baby' boy. He is in my custody. He is mine. Life is good. We are healthy, we are happy. We are strong in every way. And I remember dad in a peaceful manner. He was no angel. In fact, he was pretty useless to us in his latter years in this life, BUT I remember him fondly. He visits us every now and again and re-affirms his promises, and this makes our relationship even stronger, for I can say to him in all honesty, 'I love and miss you, daddy. Keep your spirit well, see you when we get there. And do say hello to gramps, gramps and granny too'.

It is well. Till next time, Love, Light and Peace.

Been 10 whole months....

..... since I last blogged. I've wanted to but never seem to manage to. Well, I think I'll come back but I need to set things straight in my head first. In the meantime, 14 days to Christmas and not much has been done, but all is well. Lawi is 2 years 1 month and 29 days old today - 791 days since I first set eyes on him. Isn't that amazing? I'm blessed. I'm blessed indeed! I will be back. Soon, I hope, but we'll see ;-).

What About Spirituality?

I have recently felt like I need to address some things within me. I belong to some forums and I recently threw out a question on spirituality. Here follows a reply about me and how I feel with regard to the subject matter:

Well, I feel most spiritual meditating and in natural spaces. I've moved away from religion but I believe in a higher being - God/Mother Nature/The Universe. There's so much going on, something is skilfully orchestrating it. I believe in an after life and a life before this one. I could not name what I am though, as I get drawn to different aspects of different beliefs - Hindu and Buddhism for the meditative and awareness of body/mind link, Christianity for its comforting verses, especially the Psalms and during Christmas (I love the atmosphere and will attend carol concerts and Christingle ceremonies in church), Paganism for its 'witchery' with herbs and solstice celebrations and the whole respect for nature thing, which many religious beliefs seem to take for granted, Humanist for attaching importance to the human and respecting all, regardless, rather than divine or supernatural matters, although I strongly believe in the supernatural and divine too. 

I also believe I can create my paradise right here in this life - nothing grand, but just being happy and satisfied with what I am and what I have, working at health for me and my loved ones, tilling my land, tending to my animals, relaxing in my uncluttered house... That is what spirituality is to me. Being happy, healthy, meditating, appreciating nature, respecting all, man and beast and the land we live in etc. Basically, being in the present, doing what religion asks people to do but without the spectre of burning in hell or anger from God or guilt at offending a divine being. Confused? Well, so am I, LOL! Well, this pretty much sums me up.

Oh, and talking of life before and after this one... I felt really strongly that Laurence chose me to be his mum, and I thank him for that. Also, today marks the day my father died 2 years ago. I had just 2 days before, on the 2nd of Feb found out I was pregnant. Dad and I didn't get on in this life, but after my anger at him dying before we could work out our differences, I found myself actually conversing with him, and we solved our issues. Anger went, I felt no guilt, we were and still are in a good place. Al, whilst comforting me, said something at the time about just knowing this pregnancy will work - and it did after 4 miscarriages. He said dad gave our baby room to be here - like something had to give, and dad gave up his seat for Lawi, so to speak. My beloved granny died last May, and again, I feel her presence intermittently - no fear, no guilt, no anger. I miss them dearly but feel comforted in the fact we will have a reunion. I know all these may sound crazy to some but that's okay, we are complicated beings!

So, that's me, right now spiritually. I've not studied anything on a big scale so could be wrong in my mention of various practices, but this is where am at right now and it is subject to change. All I know is that I feel what I feel and work with it as I get it.

And on that note, I feel it's fitting to send my dad some good feelings today, on the second anniversary of his death. I miss you dad. Yet I feel your presence and that makes me know you are okay. Thank you for watching over us. Keep well, keep safe, stay good, till we meet again. Love a plenty.

Blessings to all

22 days into the new year...

And although it is late, here's to wishing you all a very happy, prosperous and blessed 2012.

I made just one big resolution that covers it all: Counting my blessings. This is it for me. Appreciate the good, don't dwell in the bad. This helps me look at things in a way that keeps me striving for positives.

Not that life is perfect; far from it! But appreciating all things, acknowledging it all and moving on towards more good and away from the bad is what I find keeps me going. Nothing to hold me back. No bad feelings. It's all good!

Peace!

Loving Lawi

I love this little guy soooo much! I woke up early, get some bits done, he did too, to stop me doing what I planned to... or so it seems :-/. Pooped (half in nappy, half in potty, horrible stinky teething poop!), played, decided he wanted to go back to sleep again, but being cuddled. Daddy volunteered as he loves Lawi snuggles in the morning, but L wanted bosom too. I got annoyed, took a deep breath and got into bed with him, obliged him. He's teething too, poor guy, so is whimpering and twitching in his sleep and clamping down occasionally (ouch). But how could I stay angry at him? He's so strong yet vulnerable, and with his back arched, bum sticking out, I'm looking at him all awash with oxytocin. He has me well and truly wrapped in his little finger but I would not change it for the world. Laundry can wait, I'm in love. <3 x